Boundaries

We took out Mom today for Mother's Day.  She was soaking in the time with us and chatting away the whole time in happiness.  The Dial-A-ride Pace bus came 10 minutes early to end our time at Chili's a little too early.  It was super hard for Mom to lose even 10 minutes with us.  But we have to go when the bus comes.


Getting her to cooperate wore me.  I had to push her and let her be a little unhappy.  So hard.  Then at her nursing home she dragged on trying to keep me there as long as possible.   If Mom actually gave to me emotionally it wouldn't be such a chore.  But it really is just me giving to her.  Pretty much been like that since she got sick.  So I do boundaries and tell her I need to go.  I feel bad for her that her life is so empty that she clings so much.  But I know I need to take care of myself and that isn't bad.  


Then she cracked me up.  She said, "Be sure to tell my nurse I'm back. She's the one with the round rump".  Like I was going to check out all the nurses rumps and try to figure out whose was the biggest!  OK, she is draining but I love her and I'm glad I still have her. 

All that work and.....

All this, and Mom decided she doesn't like the glasses!  Yep, this is my life with my mom.  Why so I still try to help her?  OK, it's because I love her and I know she loves me.  But holy moly she can be a pain. 

She has her glasses - after 4 months! And she was overmedicated.

After 4 months, Mom finally got her glasses.  Can you believe that?  This is the fun of having a disabled parent with a mental disability living in a nursing home.  I still don't know why it took so long.  The eye doctor said it's cause they sent me a bill for $35 that wasn't paid.  The nursing home said they didn't know anything about it.  They didn't notice Mom still didn't have new glasses.  Unbelievable. 





I also found out why Mom is so much more alert now. She was on 2 medications to help her sleep.  She's not on either now.  They were over medicating her.  Pisses me off.  Glad she's back to being alive and awake.  She is a lot of work since she can't even get out of bed and has to wear a diaper.  Cause she can't sit on a toilet anymore.  Her hip is completely unusable.  But she is still very much alive in her brain. 


I'm glad she's back to being alert.  I get to enjoy her more now.  She's able to receive and give love more.  Research every drug your loved one gets.  I've learned.

Still no glasses

So the eyewear saga continues.  This is the fun of mental illness.  People with schizophrenia are not real good at accepting medical care.  And Mom told me last week that she got into an argument with the eye doctor and she won't be getting glasses.  So, yesterday I called her nursing home to find out what's going on.  Of course, all I can do there so far is leave a message at the case workers voice mail.  Monday I'll call the eye doctor.    Meanwhile Mom doesn't have the right glasses.  And she is resistant to get them.  Isn't this fun?  Welcome to my life with Mom.


This is also why Mom lost most of her teeth - she refused to see the dentist.  And why she is wheel chair bound - she refused to have her hip treated.  I try, but I can not force her.  She has to make her own choices and live her own life.  It's her life to live.


Then today I got a call from an aid at the nursing home.  She said they were short staffed today and only had one aid for each floor of 50 residents.  Mom wanted her bed made and the aid hadn't gotten to it.  So Mom had another resident help her.  But that resident is a fall risk.  The aid told me she yelled at Mom and apologized for that.  But then she told me Mom apologized to her too.


Mom called me later and told me she had trouble with this aid - Falisia.  I just told both ladies it's Ok and just forgive and be nice.


Now that Mom is more alert, she's more demanding.  I need to get an appointment with the staff to see if anything changed on her meds.  They are supposed to tell me but pretty much never do.  So I call them to find out.


This is the fun of caring for an adult family member with schizophrenia.  She takes meds which of course help, but there are still symptoms like anxiety.   I do what I can to help keep her life calm, try to get her medical care, and just let her know I'm in her corner and I love her so much.  And beyond that, I just let it go and trust she will be OK. And she is.

Now this organization is really making a difference

In the last year I've been learning about this not-for-profit organization in Chicago - Thresholds.  The more I learn, the more I am not only impressed but determined to help them expand their services to more people and more areas. 


They help people with mental illnesses by providing case management, psychiatric care, group and individual therapy, housing, education, employment services, individual and family member support, ... and much more.  There is even a high school for kids with mental illnesses.  I mean, wow!  They are just incredible.  They also help vets, single parents, homeless, and even folks who are deaf and have a mental illness. 


So, if you have a loved one with a diagnosis and live in the Cook county area, take advantage of this incredible organization.  And, please consider donating to this great cause.  With tax funding being cut, our individual contributions are needed more than ever.  You can learn more and donate here: www.thresholds.org


Thanks!

Taking a class for those who have a loved one with a diagnosis

I am taking a class right now offered by NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) of DuPage County, where I live.  This is a 12 week course called Family to Family, which is a course for folks who have a loved one with a mental illness diagnosis.  I've been dealing with Mom's mental illness for 45 years but you know, there is still always more to learn in terms of how to be a healthy person myself and to be even more accepting of her.  Week 1 was pretty amazing I will say.  I think I liked most meeting people who like me have/are going through the pain of a loved one who is so sick and so limited in their ability for self-care, and our worry and fear about what that means.  It's a confidential class, so I won't be sharing anything my class mates share.  I'm just glad to be there.


This class will be offered many times this year.  Below is the upcoming schedule in my area for this class as well as other really good ones.


Support is powerful not just for those with a diagnosis but just as much for those of us who love that person.  Glad I continue to get that help.

FAMILY TO FAMILY- 12-week class for adult family members (18+) and others who have adult loved ones (18+) with a mental illness

> Wednesdays, February 10th to April 27th- 7:00PM to 9:30PM- Community Center Room 104

> Tuesdays, March 1st to May 17th- 7:00PM to 9:30PM- Compass Church

> Tuesdays, May 17th to August 2nd- 7:00PM to 9:30PM- Good Samaritan Hospital

BASICS- 6 week course for parents and caregivers who have a child in High School or younger (generally under the age 18) affected by a mental illness

>Thursdays, March 10th to April 21st (Skipping March 31st) 7:00PM to 9:30PM- Community Center- NAMI DuPage Room 120

WRAP- 8 week class for individuals with a mental illness

>Tuesdays, February 2nd to March 22nd 7:00PM to 9:15PM- Community Center- NAMI DuPage Room 106

Sunday Visit Funnies

On Sunday I saw Mom, which these days I do every other Sunday night.  When I go I bring her a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese, which she eats about 3/4, a small fry, which she eats about half, a dish of ice cream, which she eats completely, and sometimes she wants cookies or an apple pie, too.  She tends to finish all the sweets.  Reminds me of my granddaughter.  You'd practically have to force feed her dinner but when ice cream came around after she would shovel it in like she was starving.  Mom is kind of like a kid in a lot of ways, and I suppose that's part of why I think she is so adorable.


This last visit Mom really gave me a chuckle. Her male nurse came over to give her night meds after mom asked for them. He said, "I thought you wanted these later." She replied, "well you know women. We like to say one thing and do another". Too funny.